Finding the right words

I was blog surfing a few days ago when I came across

this site. I was happily reading away and then I found these words.
“And no one had warned me that one day she would be the most treasured and important being in my life and the next she was just an annoyance. No one warned me that I would actually fall out of love with Bella and would resent her for being so big and loud and rude. And worst of all, no one warned me that I would have moments of also resenting Lily for changing my relationship with Bella so drastically.Of course as soon as I spoke to other mothers of two, I found out that all these feelings are normal and very common. And now that they are a thing of the past I can understand why no one told me. But I also think it's a shame that this isn't discussed, because if I'd known that it was all normal and that I should expect my relationship with Bella to change (even if only briefly) then I may not have felt so horrifically guilty.Of course, it only lasted a few weeks, but during those brief weeks I felt like more of a failure than I've ever felt before.”

Now I know it has been nine months since I had Ashton and seriously life is great, easy again. But in those first 6 weeks I would talk about how I was feeling to friends and how I was missing my life before Ashton and no one seemed to understand. Then I found thses words. These words have healed me in a sense, the guilt I had about my feelings vanished the instant I read these words. Why didn't someone tell me at the time it was all ok? I was never ashamed to discuss honestly how I was feeling, even though I rarely got positive acknowledgement in return.

Anyway I just really wanted somewhere to keep these words so that next time (if I can talk my husband into a next time), I will be reminded that my feelings are all ok!

Just because...

I haven't posted for ages I thought I would share some photos of the kids. Can you believe Ashton is 9 months old? Man it feels like yesterday that I was struggling through that newborn phase and here we are with a beautiful little crawler/climber/squealer/laugher/heart stopper of a son. I love him too much for words. I love the way Ellyse watches over him, shows him new things, asks "are you ok sweety?". She is just so patient with him. Watching them together just melts my heart......most of the time anyway.

Birthday gifts

This year I decided to make dressing gowns as gifts for Ellyse's little friends. I have made four now but have only remembered to photograph this one.

They have all been lovingly recieved, which is just lovely!

...and one of little Ashton 'crawling'

Our day at Australia Zoo

We had a lovely day at Australia Zoo. Ellyse was a perfect age to enjoy it all. While I haven't ever been a huge Steve Irwin fan (nor did I dislike him - no opinion really), it was still a really emotional expereince for me to walk through the Zoo that he loved so much. They had a lot of shirts hanging up with messges from when he died and a lot of gifts left for his family, I did wipe away a tear or to while walking through that section.

Ellyse asking the kangaroo "Do you want to come to my house?" Too cute!

Our annual family holiday to Yamba - here again

I cannot believe it has been a year since I wrote this, Feb 2008 has come around so quickly, as has our annual family holiday. So off to Yamba we went. The Yamba tradition started about 13 years ago for us. Keiran went there to celebrate his 21st birthday with some friends, as the main purpose was for the surf. His best mate lives in Pt Macquarie and this is a greatmeeting point. Off course back then we did it rough and camped in a fantastic Caravan Park, nothing flash, just in a great location, no need for a car which I just love.

As our family has grown and our camping stuff slowly broke and wore out we started staying at The Sands. While I do love staying here I really miss the relaxed atmosphere of camping, and not having to get in the car. On the plus side though the pool at The Sands is just perfect for the kids and really is what keeps us going back. It sounds strange, but at least we know if the beach is yucky, or it is a bit rainy, the pool is just outside our door and is a great break.

While the weather wasn't perfect (poor K didn't even get his board wet!), it really was a great family holiday.

The first few days were us getting over a tummy bug - not the best start! From there it was all fun! We caught the ferry from Yamba over to Iluka and took a 6 km walk through the Bundjalung National Park to Bluff Beach, it was just absolutely glorious! We all ha a lovely swim and a play in the sand. We lef tit a little late to head back to the ferry and practically had to run back through the rainforest to make it! Funny now - not at the time though, the next ferry wasn't for another 2 hours!


Walking through the rainforest
The way Ashton spent most of the day, I still get so excited that Ashton sleeps so well in the pram (hence the photo) as Ellyse never did!
"Ocean are you there?"

We also spent a few afternoons at Angourie beach, and at some local beaches in Yamba too.



As the days were too windy to go to the beach we took a drive to Brooms Head and Sandon, these places were just lovely, so untouched and quiet. This definitely made us realise that camping and exploring holidays were the type of holidays we want for us and the kiddies. With K's new job came a Toyota Hilux, so he just loved going down all the bumpy dirt tracks looking for special little places.


Ashton just loved the beach and ate a whole lot of sand. The water was a bit cold for him so he just hung out alot cruising around the sand and gobbling up what he could. Ellyse has never really been a huge fan off the beach and really wanted to just spend her days jumping into the pool. We did however build some great sandcastles and take some lovely walks on the beach.



Not sure taht next year will take us back to Yamba, but we will be somewhere on the Clarence Coast.


Enjoy the photos

Very very late V day swap

I recieved a lovely swap parcel from Ingrid for Valentine's Day. I know this update is extremely overdue, I am sorry Ingrid. As I said in my post on EB, I love everything you sent me and the time you put into to making things and choosing things for me.

Ingrid sent me some lovely handmade coasters and a card holder, as well as some red buttons, some fabric that will be great for Ashton - should get me motivated for sure to sew for him, some lovely chocolate, some gorgeous Lottielulu postcars and some red ric rak. Oh and how could I forget the delicious chocolate -nothing left to show there I am afraid!

Thanks so much Ingrid and I hope you like what I sent you too - although it was very lovey doveycheesy valentine!

And the parecel I sent to Ingrid-

Time for an update!

Well I have lost my sewjo commpletely and with things being busy around here I just have not had a chance to do anything! I am feeling the love for sewing coming on again and I am determined to find a good pants pattern for Ellyse and sew her some winter clothes. I cannot even remember the last thing I made her - I know I made some pants 2 days before I had Ashton, but she refuses to wear them - the denim is quite heavy - they are so cute though, such a waste.

Ashton is now 7 months old, I just cannot believe it, just yesterday he started to move around in much the same way that Ellyse did - drag your body along the floor. I must say he much more effective than Ellyse in the early stages, there is so much more in the house now for him to grab, the hard yards are about to start with teaching him what he can and cannot touch. Ellyse was very easy, but as I said, there is so much more for him to touch now - and it all has an owner that may not alwys like to share!!

We really did have terrific twos rather than the well known terrible twos, however I think we are about to suffer with the threes! Anyone experienced that? She is really a delight, just testing me lately.

Ashton in the pool

Ellyse feeding just like Mummy was in a resturant the night before

My sister who was visiting from Japan

The fun begins

I was going to put my EB V day swap pics in, but best not until they are recieved by Ingrid, meaning there WILL be another post soon, I must keep my place in the ring.

Welcome Harrison

A good friend of mine just had her second bub, I just couldn't wait to create some personal gifts for him and his big sister!

I made him a taggie ball, some appliqued singlets and a cushion cover. I was planning on making the cushion from Laast Minute Patchwork and Quilted Gifts, but my old machine can't embroider and I get a bit lazy and just went with a blanket stitch on the letter H (for Harrison). Of course I had to make big sister Chloe a little shirt too.

Last minute baby shower gift

What do you do when your friend is due with her third bub and someone decides to hold a baby shower for her? You know she has almost everything - and what she doesn't have I have.

Well I know that I am so less anal this time about having my nappy bag fully stocked now that I have to cart 2 kiddies around. I often just chuck Ashton's stuff in Ellyse's backpack and have trouble finding it all when needed. Karen from my EB sewing group suggested a nappy wallet, and it just so happened that Marie had made a nappy roll previously and it was similar to what I had seen on line. I added a change mat and this is the finished product. I think Hannah will be very happy with it.

Not sure if I will get to the taggie ball I was going to make to go with it, they don't take long so I may get it done in the morning. Keiran and I will be child free and off dishwasher, microwave, DVD recorder and phone shopping - oh the fun!

Christmas 2007

What a magical time of the year, and sharing it with a s and a half year old made it even more special.

Ellyse is at quite a strange age as far as understanding Christmas is concerned. She knows and loves Santa and got the idea to ask him for gifts, but didn't really get the idea of waiting until Christmas night.

When we visited Santa at Myer, she asked him for a baby (she had been asking to take babies home from the shops and I had explained to her a number of times that Santa may bring her one for Christmas and suggested that she asked him for one). When Santa gave her the little gift bag she gave it back and said "no thank you I would like a baby please". It was very cute but also a little embarassing too.

Ellyse left a note for Santa along with a glass of milk and some rum balls. She loved 'writing' the note with daddy.

Both our little darlings woke at 7 Christmas morning, we had to remind Ellyse that Santa had been, she still didn't really get it. We took her out to show her the swing set he had left for her, she put one toe on the grass and discovered it was wet and decided to go back inside. She had a great time opening her other gifts, a giant floor puzzle, a Gracie Lou DVD and her stocking which included hair ties, books and jelly beans.

Then it was off to my parent's house, they live just around the corner making life easy! We opened gifts there, ate ham and runny eggs. It was very quiet at mum and dad's as neither of my sisters made the trip home this year. Very different to last year where we had everyone here for my sister's wedding. We put Ashton to bed and got ourselves ready for lunch at Keiran's parent's house. We had a lovely lunch and the gourmet nibbles and potato salad I made went down a treat. Ellyse and Ashton were both spoilt to bits and Ellyse was so pleased to recieve a baby with a dummy and a bottle from her Aunty. Kris Kringle was fun, my SIL ended up with the bag I made, I found it hard to tell if she liked it or not???

We came home at about 4:30, all very tired and ready for a sleep. We had a great day and look forward to next year when Ellyse should really be enchanted by it all.

Here are some of my favourite photos of Christmas 2007.

Enjoying the carols

Christmas lights

Christmas morning

Ashton enjoying the presents, well the wrapping anyway

Ellyse in her cousin's make up!

Some wonderful homemade gifts from a friend

I hope you all had a magical Christmas with your loved ones.

Jack's quilt

At Millipede's request I will show a photo of this baby quilt I made for a friend's new little baby. I am glad the photo is at a distance as the sewing isn't that great. You would think I I would have learnt from Ellyse's quilt that pins are the key when quilting! I think I will be investing in a walking foot very soon.

This is for a little boy and the idea is for it to be used as a play mat rather than a quilt for bed.

Suddenly so sad, where do I fit in??

I apologise in advance for the emotional ramblings this post will contain. I am not thinking carefully about what I am writing or how I am writing I just need to clear my head.

July 22nd 2007, I was 10 days over due with our much wanted second child. My waters broke at about 5 am and I started having contractions at about 7. Things progressed quickly and by 9 am I could barely walk to the car. We got to the hospital at about 9:35, I couldn't walk and had the shakes very badly. The midwife routinely checked the baby's heartbeat, and that is where the comotion began.
I think that firstly she called another midwife and I was yelling "what is wrong? Cut me open, get the baby out!" They told me that heart rate was really slow but everything would be alright. I was having gas and must have been suckinghard, the midwife had her hand on my tummy and told me not to suck when I wasn't having a contraction - I said "but I am having a contraction", I think it was then that they realised I was in serious pain that wasn't caused by contractions. The doctor came and checked for the chord, I was 10 cm dialated at this time. One of the last things I remember is the doctor calling code 1 caesar (which I now know if 10 minutes for the baby to be born), I was asked to move to a different bed, I mustered up all of my strength just to lift my legs and bottom. The last thing I remember is the gas mask going on and being put under.
I don't remember waking up, I don't remember being told I had a little boy, I don't remember Keiran there with me. I do remember being shown a photo of him in special care nursery and not really being concerned (was still very groggy), I remember going to see him and having to turn around and go back because I thought I was going to vomit. I remember Keiran telling me that he may have to be transferred to another hospital - but it just didn't really register. I also remember being told that my placenta had completely abrupted from my uterus and that Ashton had no blood supply meaning no oxygen. They couldn't tell me how long he was without oxygen for, or why it happened, just bad luck apperantly.
The next day it hit me big time and I cried and cried. Everyone said to me (and still continue to say) just be thankful you have him, but this was, and isn't ever enough, I had been through a huge ordeal.
The recovery from the caesar was difficult, no complications, just so hard to get out of bed, turn, cuddle Ellyse and pick up my precious newborn. I wasn't too concerned though, I had my little boy and I didn't really care how he arrived. The doctor told me that a natural birth would have resulted in Ashton dieing or being brain damaged, so I am not complaining at all about how he was born.
I really found the first 6 weeks tough. The first 2 were wonderful, plenty of visitors, lots of home cooked meals being delivered for us. Then Keiran went back to work, my mum went overseas for 6 weeks and I was alone all day with a baby and a toddler who wasn't used to sharing mummy. The logisitics of 2 kids was fine, I could feed them, dress them, get them organised, it was more the reaction Ellyse had that upset me. I knew to expect it but I didn't know how I would feel about it. All in all she coped quite well, there were just times when she was so nasty to Ashton and it just wasn't in her nature. I really grieved for the life we had before Ashton. I am such a structure and routine person and newborns just aren't like that. Ashton started having 45 minute sleeps and was grumpy and some days were really long. There were many times where I wondered why on earth we had complicated our lives with another baby. I didn't ever resent Ashton, or not want him in our family, it was, and is, plain hard work! I have been completely spoilt with a loving, happy 2 year old who rarely threw a tanty before Ashton was born, so to have her change behaviours so suddenly caught me by suprise.
When Ashton was about 5 weeks old I had some counselling, I didn't find it that helpful as she told me that I had already dealt with a lot of issues and time would heal - gee thanks. I had identified what I was sad about but really needed strategies to deal with that.
Well here we are 5 months down the track and I saw an old neighbour at the shops on Saturday. I was telling her about Ashton when suddenly I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I was just so suddenly sad and I have been ever since. I think there are a few reasons for this. Firstly as Ashton grows and changes and is developing a personality I am more aware of what I could have lost. I look at him laughing and smiling and am just so in love and realise that he was so nearly not here. Secondly, the next baby in mother's group was born last week and when I went to see them in hospital the mum was up, walking around, squating on the ground, all the things I couldn't do. She had lots of photos from the birth, again something I missed out on and have no idea about. I was on the phone to her this morning and she was telling me how much love she feels for the little one, how she has bonded so well and she just loves having 2 kids. It hit me that I was just so down and negative at that time in Ashton's life that I didn't feel like that towards him, that just makes me so sad.
I know I have reasons to be sad, but I haven't lost anything, I was able to bring my baby home where so many others can't. Do I have a right to be sad? It is just so hard to put my finger on my feelings. Crying helps, and listening to my wonderful husband's supportive words, but at the end of the day I still feel that I have complely missed his newborn stage. I was stressing about Ellyse, about his sleep and just trying to deal with myself physically. The caesar meant I couldn't start exercising for a while, my tummy just seemed so much bigger and it hung over that scar, a constant reminder of what I had been through.
As big an experience that this all was, it is still so small in the scheme of my life and Ashton's life. I know the pain will fade, but it will always be there.
I hope that I haven't offended anyone with my feelings. If you got this far thank you so much for reading. I have tears falling down my face, but I do feel a big weight off my shoulders just getting it off my chest.

I love my little boy so much, my how he has grown!

My Secret Santa gifts for Kerry and her family

Kerry is a very busy lady with 6 gorgeous kids and one on the way, I was so happy to have her as my secret santa.

I am sure Kerry won't mind me sharing what I made for her.

Firstly I made her some Christmas bunting, it seems that was a very popular choice this year. I made it reversable so that it can be used for the girls' birthdays or just to hang in one of their rooms. I had plenty of pink scraps so this was not a problem!!

Then I decided to make these advent pockets, wow were they time consuming, but I loved every relaxing minute sitting down stitching those numbers on, all the time thinking of the wonderful things Kerry and her family would be doing together at Christmas. On the dangles were little tasks that the family could complete together in the lead up to Christmas. In her package were some craft sheets to help, glitter and bags for the reindeer food, candy canes, hooks to hang things up with, popcorn to have while watching a Christmas movie and a recipe for candy cane cookies.

Sorry for the dodgy photos, it was a last minute thought to take them.

Merry Christmas Kerry and family!

Secret Santa has arrived

I was so excited to recieve a big parcel at my door on Monday, I had to look at it for 2 days without opening it, but today is opening day and boy were we all spoilt!

Suz made us the most beautiful table runner which is just perfect. It shows how small our table is though! She also sent Keiran a gift, a toy for Ashton and some buttons. Oh I forgot to mention the little teddy decoration for our tree, Ellyse just loves that!

Thanks again Suz.

Christmas outfit 2007

I finally got the motivation to make Ellyse a little Christmas outfit, I made this in one hour flat yeterday morning after Keiran announced that we were infact going to a Christams party that I thought we weren't going to.

I took Suz's and Kylie's advice and made it a little longer than the pattern, I didn't make it any less twirly, but am thinking of maybe reducing it a little. The top is too small, but was the only white shirt I had, will have to get another one tomorrow.

She just thought she was so special in her boofitul skirt......and she kept telling everyone!

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

For as long as I can remember my Mum has made rum balls at Christmas time. Gifts for teachers, family and friends, making the rum balls has always been a family occassion. We would all sit around the table and mix and roll until we were all done. With my mother's organisational skills, this was usually late at night before they were required as gifts! Really I should add that my Mum always worked really hard and it is commendable that she took the time to make hand made presesnts.

This morning I got all of my ingredients ready and started making my first batch of rum balls for this season, as soon as I smelt that rum mix with the condensed milk it all came back to me and suddenly it felt like Christmas time.

Ellyse had a wonderful time putting the Christmas tree up over the weekend, I am really enjoying this time with her, she really understands Christmas and what is going on. Only 20 more nights of "Is Santa coming tonight Mummy?" We are off to look at some Christmas lights this week and I just can't wait to capture the excitment.

And just for fun, Keiran and I hadn't put our stockings up yet, and we came out to find Ellyse 'dressed' in them, it was just so cute. I was going to post a pic but decided not too.

One bag down....2 more to go

I ordered this gorgeous fabric with the vision to make 3 bags, one for each of my sisters, one to London and one to Japan, and one for a Kris Kingle present for Keiran's side of the family. The lovely Cass sent me the pattern for the bag she made in the bag swap. I am so impressed as she drafted the pattern herself and it is perfect.

I am just fighting with the magnetic clasps and then just need to topstitch around the top and I am done. I just wanted to make one first to be sure it was what I was after.

Finally the new hat is finished

I was so sad when my mum lost this hat I made Ellyse, it was one of the first things I made her when I started sewing again.(she looks so little in that photo - and chubby!)

It was made from a thrifted sheet, but I just loved it. Unfortunately I threw the sheet out so couldn't replicate it, but finally I have made her another hat and I am in love!

I started this hat about 2 months ago and completely mucked up the brim, I got back to it today and finished it in about 20 minutes! It is a bit small for her now, will have to get another pattern, but she should get this summer out of it.

I just love the fabric which is by Heather Baily. I couldn't get a great photo but I have made it reversable.